The nightmares and the short fits of flashbacks rip at my sternum and keep me up tonight. The vivid memories of a mission long passed rush through my mind recklessly. I ask myself each day if there was more I could have done to save them, to prevent the pain and sadness. On this day in april of 2008 in Iraq I lost the one best friend I ever had in this world and a very dear friend also (Sgt. Adam Kohlhaas and Sgt Steven Christofferson Killed In Action). I was there for every terrifying moment, every gruesome realization and every haunting smell and feeling.
The one feeling I have been battling with for the past few years is guilt and shame. The guilt was for my lack of action although I did everything I could humanly, possibly do, I felt like I could have done more for some reason, as if I was some kind of field surgeon when all I was an infantry soldier.
The shame was very similar, in that I felt loathsome of myself for not being there for Adam and Steven. I remember ever faint attempt to revive him and every grain of sand on adams face. I remember the glazed expression on Steven’s face when I found him dead, reaching out for the sky as he laid , torn in half on this lonely road in Iraq. The shame that it should have been me and the guilt that it also still should have been me still drives me into deep depressions that would have, without my loved ones, killed me years ago in a few failed attempts at redemption.
I am where I am thanks to the moments after their deaths and the years that followed were my time to mold my life into the blessing it is now: A wife, a home, a loving family, and all the help the VA hospital can give. They are alway in my heart and I will make sure to continue the best I can with my life to make them proud of me. All my love goes to their parents and sibling on this day of remembrance and honor. With this quote I leave you and thank you for your time. ” The brave die never, though they sleep in dust: Their courage nerves a thousand living men” (Minot J Savage)